A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy, while you are just flying past..

things are looking up. [finally.]

and soon soon soon i should have a new piece to post.

i can not be more excited! :)

i don't like my edges rounded off.

I'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
til I am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if I were gone
I want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
I don't like my language
watered down
I don't like my edges
rounded off

I can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so I can see your sillouette
I'm not done looking yet

- ani difranco

Today, i gave Patrick an ultimatum. I am usually not one for ultimatums, but i can't do this anymore. If he doesn't spill the beans to Dr. Sarah tomorrow, this won't end well. And it could get really messy. i can't keep just keepin on. I hate to say it's getting too hard, but it honestly, is.

Tomorrow should be pivotal. and if it isn't, then we aren't either.

---

And God help you if you are Phoenix.

and you dare to rise up from the ash.

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy

while you (i am) just flying past..

one more for today.

Oh why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you're mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

--

i know this is so cliche. i don't really care. i'm currently bawling my eyes out listening to it.

some words for how i feel today.

squint your eyes & look closer,

i'm not between you & your ambition

i am a poster girl with no poster,

i am 32 flavors & then some.

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head.

Because someday you're gonna get hungry & eat all of the words you just said..

..and god help you if you are a phoenix,

and you dare to rise up from the ash.

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy,

while you are just.. flying past.

i never tried to give my life meaning by demeaning you,

and i would like to state for the record,

i did everything that i could do.

i'm not saying that i am a saint, i just don't wanna live that way.

no, i will never be a saint, but i will always say.

squint your eyes & look closer.

i'm not between you & your ambition,

i am a poster girl with no poster,

I am 32 flavors & then some.

- ani difranco

[and even though this is from a journal of mine that is nearly two years old, the words seem to fit again today.]

Muscles tighten against yours
sheets tangle in
fumbling hands as -
we discover why our hearts
just ache
so absolutely.

Cheek to chest we
lie
in our marriage bed
figuring where we lost
ourselves or -
just where we lost
one
another.

And although i cannot
place my
wife.mother.girl.
finger exactly upon it,
your heart

[thud thud.]

beats and -

i just wish
this war would
end.

Lilli's Newsletter. January 2010.

Hi Boo,

It's been awhile since i've written you your newsletters. I'm sorry for that, whenever you get older, you'll understand that sometimes life gets in the way of the best intentions, but for now while you're still little, we'll just suffice it to say - i'm sorry, but i'm here now.

This month has been trying for all of us. You with potty training, and me & daddy with finances, and battling daddy's PTSD. You're doing really well with your potty training, and it's such a relief for me. No more diapers for you, just a pull-up at bedtime! I'm so proud of you. This month you've shown us a lot more sass than last month, and as excited as you are about your birthday coming up in April, i'm dreading it for so many reasons. Mostly because i've heard from a lot of other mommies that three is worse than two, but also because it means that you're a year older, and that means you're not a little girl anymore. You're a big girl, who knows how to use the potty, and how to help daddy crack eggs into the skillet for breakfast, and a big girl who loves to lick the spoon after i stir up the brownie mix. You have such a big personality, and it makes my heart really happy to watch you learn new things, and try to use words that you hear daddy & me say. This week i've noticed you trying to use "actually" and "probably" and it's so funny to hear such grown up words coming out of your cute little mouth. The other night, daddy was telling you to put your pull up in the trash, and he said "DO IT BEFORE I COUNT TO THREE! ONE. TWO. THREE!" and you responded with "NO! OH MAN. NOW I'M HAVING A MELTDOWN." the reason this makes me so happy is because, not only was it SO funny, but because you made daddy laugh (really laugh, hard.) for the first time, in I don't know how long. You have that gift you know, bringing joy into people's lives. You touch everyone you meet with your innocent questioning, and your friendliness.

One of your new favorite things to do is talk to EVERYONE whenever i take you with me to the grocery store. You always ask them their name, and what they're doing. You really love older people. You would sit in the cart & talk to them for as long as you could, if I let you. You're such a character. It makes me happy to see other people see the same thing i do in you, you beautiful little thing.

Each time I take you out in public with me - to the park, walmart, the commissary, people are forever telling me how intelligent & bright you are. It makes me feel really proud of you, because i like to think all of those books i've read you, and all the explaining i've done to you, you've absorbed it all, and you remember what i tell you. You truly are a very bright little thing, people usually think that you're about 3 and a half, or four whenever they're talking to you, and then i tell them that you're only two, and they are so surprised. Good job punkin. :)

This month you've also been asking me about the baby a lot. You always want me to lift my shirt so you can give the baby a kiss, and you read it bedtime stories. You talk into my bellybutton like it's a microphone, and it's the sweetest thing. The other night, the baby was kicking - really hard. i called you over and put your hand on my belly, and you felt it! you were so surprised, but then you couldn't stop laughing. you thought it was the funniest thing. It tickles me so much, and i'm really excited for you to meet the baby in the summertime. :) (yes, after we go to the beach.)

All in all my little choochie, I am so proud of everything that you're doing these days, and i'm looking forward to all the new & exciting things you're going to do soon!

I love you babyboo.

Love,

Momma.xo.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots..

that my toungue is tied off.

my brain's repeating:

if you've got an impulse let it out.

but they never make it past my mouth.

this is the sound of settling.

---

Sometimes, i create a new blog because i know that i need to write. However, needing to write, and wanting to write are two totally different things, and i've created (no lie) four new blogs, only to try to sit and write the first entry and be totally and utterly overwhelmed.

My New Year's resolution this year, is to get my life in order before the baby gets here in July. I know writing helps me. So, here i am.

Today it's really beautiful outside, but i'm exhausted. so, i'm compromising & sitting beside my open window. the sunshine isn't quite coming in the window, but the fresh air feels so nice. I've come to be very thankful for the small things.. a warm breeze, a lingering kiss from patrick before he leaves for work, good sleep, lilli's teeth brushing song. I've come to find myself very consumed with the "big picture" lately, and it's really overwhelming. i've been struggling so hard to not let things become what I don't want them to be.. and in turn when i'm seeing red, or whenever i'm hurt, i'm missing so many opportunities to just enjoy life.

Posttraumatic stress disorder^[1][2] (commonly referred to by its acronym, PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event which results in psychological trauma.^[3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual's psychological defenses.

PTSD is a less frequent and more enduring consequence of psychological trauma than the more frequently seen acute stress response. PTSD has also been recognized in the past as railway spine, stress syndrome, shell shock, battle fatigue, traumatic war neurosis, or post-traumatic stress syndrome.

Diagnostic symptoms include re-experiencing original trauma(s), by means of flashbacks or nightmares; avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma; and increased arousal, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV and ICD-9) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (e.g. problems with work and/or relationships).^[1]

[courtesy of wikipedia.]

the last paragraph is my daily battle with Patrick. We work together each day to overcome the obstacles that face him with his PTSD. This weekend was extremely hard for us. He never wants to leave the house. He's constantly checking to make sure that nothing is posing a threat to us. We couldn't even go to the playground the other day, without him being overwhelmed. It keeps him from enjoying his life, and feeling safe in his own environment, and that makes me so incredibly sad for him..

My brain just totally shut down.

i'll continue this post later.