that my toungue is tied off.
my brain's repeating:
if you've got an impulse let it out.
but they never make it past my mouth.
this is the sound of settling.
---
Sometimes, i create a new blog because i know that i need to write. However, needing to write, and wanting to write are two totally different things, and i've created (no lie) four new blogs, only to try to sit and write the first entry and be totally and utterly overwhelmed.
My New Year's resolution this year, is to get my life in order before the baby gets here in July. I know writing helps me. So, here i am.
Today it's really beautiful outside, but i'm exhausted. so, i'm compromising & sitting beside my open window. the sunshine isn't quite coming in the window, but the fresh air feels so nice. I've come to be very thankful for the small things.. a warm breeze, a lingering kiss from patrick before he leaves for work, good sleep, lilli's teeth brushing song. I've come to find myself very consumed with the "big picture" lately, and it's really overwhelming. i've been struggling so hard to not let things become what I don't want them to be.. and in turn when i'm seeing red, or whenever i'm hurt, i'm missing so many opportunities to just enjoy life.
Posttraumatic stress disorder[1][2] (commonly referred to by its acronym, PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event which results in psychological trauma.[3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,[1] overwhelming the individual's psychological defenses. PTSD is a less frequent and more enduring consequence of psychological trauma than the more frequently seen acute stress response. PTSD has also been recognized in the past as railway spine, stress syndrome, shell shock, battle fatigue, traumatic war neurosis, or post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Diagnostic symptoms include re-experiencing original trauma(s), by means of flashbacks or nightmares; avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma; and increased arousal, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV and ICD-9) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (e.g. problems with work and/or relationships).[1]
[courtesy of wikipedia.]
the last paragraph is my daily battle with Patrick. We work together each day to overcome the obstacles that face him with his PTSD. This weekend was extremely hard for us. He never wants to leave the house. He's constantly checking to make sure that nothing is posing a threat to us. We couldn't even go to the playground the other day, without him being overwhelmed. It keeps him from enjoying his life, and feeling safe in his own environment, and that makes me so incredibly sad for him..
My brain just totally shut down.
i'll continue this post later.
i can relate. daniel struggles with PTSD, yet he won't admit it. if there's a crowd somewhere, he wants nothing to do with the place, in the bahamas we were listening to some music in a pretty wide open place, and he saw some guy in a trench coat and was convinced the guy was going to blow the place up so we had to leave. when there's trash on the ground his first reaction is to think it's a IED. he doesn't sleep well at night. it's just a sucky thing and i know how incredibly frustrating it can be at times :/
ReplyDeletethanks for the comment caitlin! :) my very first one. The thing with patrick is that it hasn't really manifested itself since very recently, and it's getting to be increasingly more difficult. we literally cannot go anywhere with him freaking out. and whenever i finally do get him out of the house, i have to go in wherever it is first, to see how busy it is. if there's more than a few people, he won't go in. i can totally relate, and it totally sucks. :( i'm thankful someone can commiserate. thank you.
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